I’ve been a gypsy for some weeks now, and I’ve been learning a few things about myself. One of them is that I don’t mind the bouncing around, as long as I have a place to come home to (Thanks for my dear friends for providing that!). The other is that without the structure imposed on my life by an outside force, like school or work, I have tended to wander around aimlessly and misspend my days. There are some things I have wanted to work on – stitching, research into worms and fungi, self-examination and spiritual exploration. But the uncertainty of the bouncing (and my own stalling tactics) stopped that from developing.
Until now. A few things happened last week. First, a dear friend kindly gave me a kick in the ass by saying ‘you aren’t the go-getter I know you to be. Perhaps it’s time to try to change your mindset?’ The second was that I moved out to the country to dog-sit for 5 weeks. This is a fixed, known period, out in quiet, birdsong-filled aspen forest. Who wouldn’t find a small measure of peace here? 🙂 And the third was the hint, and final confirmation, that I would have a job at the beginning of May. That took a load off!
In between the move and the job offer, I decided that since I would be in the land of dial-up internet, I should detach myself from my constant connection to the world, and my almost as constant need for distraction in the form of the tv. I would take this time to look at some of the things in my mindset that could use changing. I decided I would not turn on the tv or the internet, and I did so from Friday night until Sunday at supper. Yay me!
On Friday night I wrote out one of my misadventures that has been playing through my mind for a long while. And then I started reading the Tao of Pooh. 🙂 Which was very enjoyable. Saturday morning I started into The Earth Path, (by Starhawk – activist, author, permaculture advocate, and witch) and came across one of her exercises called ‘Letting the Stories Go.’ Basically it draws attention to the stories that you are always telling yourself: I’m always weak and out of shape; nobody likes me, everybody hates me, going down to the garden to eat worms; I can’t believe they said that about me! Boy am I going to retaliate! She expands upon this by asking what dialogue goes through your head – what story does it represent? And lots of other introspective questions. The ‘fun’ part was naming a character and coming up with a typical phrase.
So I listened to my stories. And I named some characters. Heartbreak Hannah says “Oh the pain, my heart hurts so much. I just can’t take the isolation, rejection, and loneliness.” She’s the most prominent voice right now. Sometimes though there’s Shy Suzy, Poor Me Paulina, and Destructive Desiree. But I’m going to rewrite the stories that keep running through my head. So everytime Hannah gets going again, I’m going to ask her to be Heartful instead. To fill her heart with love, and joy and wonder. Transforming her into Joyful Jo. 🙂
A note to my readers: this isn’t Poor Me Paulina asking for vocal outbursts of positive thoughts. It’s just me, sharing a part of myself, and hoping that it resonates with those it needs to. For those that are interested, we can always come together and work on rewriting our stories. 😛
Through the Radiant Dark 