So I have some choices to make. I had some good feedback from some counselors the other day.
1. Am I acting in my best interests? Should I be more honest/truthful with the professionals? Is the crisis a way to feel the care and concern from the people in my life? Will I need to keep the crisis going in order to meet that need?
2. One thing after another has been happening, and it feels like I have no control over my life. Indeed, am I not giving up more control to all of the other professionals now involved? Is there resentment? is it expressed as my defiance and pushing away? How can I exert control in a helpful way?
3. The Wild Boar is a great image, with thick skin, growling and charging. But although it gets us through, it also keeps other people out, and prevents pauses for reflection. Why am I protective, why do I need such a thick skin/personal bubble?
4. There are too many cooks in the kitchen. Being involved with so many professionals means that my therapy might stay at this elementary level, and not move beyond. If i want to go beneath the surface, get help identifying what i know intellectually vs experientially, I may need some help. But I definitely need consistency, and a stable therapist, otherwise the frustration is going to continue.
So – which therapist gets to stay, which has to go? and if I ask for a new one, how do i know I’ll like them?
what am I protecting myself from? People, the world. They hurt me all the time. But maybe I need to practice shrinking my bubble, and letting select people come closer. And allowing that good stuff to come through the bubble, to penetrate my thick skin.
I think the crisis has helped me to experientially know that i am not alone, that I have lots of love in my life. Something I knew intellectually. And I think I can say with confidence that I do not need the crisis to continue in order for me to keep feeling that love.
And yes, I think there is definitely some resentment in the cloudy mix of my baggage. Who wouldn’t be resentful? But I’ll have to come up with some potions to turn that resentment into something helpful.