not radiant

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the dark is not radiant tonight.

rather, it is that darkness that has edges, rough but sharp. pitfalls to trip up on. surprises down the path of my thoughts where i did not expect them to go. not good surprises either.

for some reason the anxiety I have been experiencing took me to a place where i thought about cutting myself. except that it wouldn’t be ‘across the tracks’ but ‘down the road’ in the way of ‘serious’ people. not directly in the living river. just beside it maybe. ¬†or up higher where i can hide it better. cover it up with my short sleeves now that warm weather is here. and if I should come too close to the living river, and someone should try to fix it, they will call it the typical cry for help. but it’s not a cry for help. it’s an indication that an end is wanted. I just want this current state to end. i want to move on to the next bit. there is no room for me here. i don’t fit in anyone’s life anywhere. even my makers….they have their own life now.

i want to try it. i want to get up right now, put aside the computer, and find my good knife. i want to make the incision and feel the pain and watch the living river flow. then bind it up well, and hide it underneath my daily disguise. just another part of the inner court that no one knows.

and then i think…shouldn’t i be worried? shouldn’t I feel upset that I think these thoughts?