Letting Go of Stories

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I’ve been a gypsy for some weeks now, and I’ve been learning a few things about myself. One of them is that I don’t mind the bouncing around, as long as I have a place to come home to (Thanks for my dear friends for providing that!). The other is that without the structure imposed on my life by an outside force, like school or work, I have tended to wander around aimlessly and misspend my days. There are some things I have wanted to work on – stitching, research into worms and fungi, self-examination and spiritual exploration. But the uncertainty of the bouncing (and my own stalling tactics) stopped that from developing.

Until now. A few things happened last week. First, a dear friend kindly gave me a kick in the ass by saying ‘you aren’t the go-getter I know you to be. Perhaps it’s time to try to change your mindset?’ The second was that I moved out to the country to dog-sit for 5 weeks. This is a fixed, known period, out in quiet, birdsong-filled aspen forest. Who wouldn’t find a small measure of peace here? 🙂 And the third was the hint, and final confirmation, that I would have a job at the beginning of May. That took a load off!

In between the move and the job offer, I decided that since I would be in the land of dial-up internet, I should detach myself from my constant connection to the world, and my almost as constant need for distraction in the form of the tv. I would take this time to look at some of the things in my mindset that could use changing. I decided I would not turn on the tv or the internet, and I did so from Friday night until Sunday at supper. Yay me!

On Friday night I wrote out one of my misadventures that has been playing through my mind for a long while. And then I started reading the Tao of Pooh. 🙂 Which was very enjoyable. Saturday morning I started into The Earth Path, (by Starhawk – activist, author, permaculture advocate, and witch) and came across one of her exercises called ‘Letting the Stories Go.’ Basically it draws attention to the stories that you are always telling yourself: I’m always weak and out of shape; nobody likes me, everybody hates me, going down to the garden to eat worms; I can’t believe they said that about me! Boy am I going to retaliate! She expands upon this by asking what dialogue goes through your head – what story does it represent? And lots of other introspective questions. The ‘fun’ part was naming a character and coming up with a typical phrase.

So I listened to my stories. And I named some characters. Heartbreak Hannah says “Oh the pain, my heart hurts so much. I just can’t take the isolation, rejection, and loneliness.” She’s the most prominent voice right now. Sometimes though there’s Shy Suzy, Poor Me Paulina, and Destructive Desiree. But I’m going to rewrite the stories that keep running through my head. So everytime Hannah gets going again, I’m going to ask her to be Heartful instead. To fill her heart with love, and joy and wonder. Transforming her into Joyful Jo. 🙂

A note to my readers: this isn’t Poor Me Paulina asking for vocal outbursts of positive thoughts. It’s just me, sharing a part of myself, and hoping that it resonates with those it needs to. For those that are interested, we can always come together and work on rewriting our stories. 😛

Pagan Name Generator

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I have recently moved to a new part of the province. I was browsing the WitchVox listings just for funsies, and thought about creating a profile to find other like minded pagans. But then I thought – I can’t use my mundane name! I need something with pizzaz! Something that indicates my witchy nature! So I decided to try a few Pagan Name Generators.

Here are the results:

Rowan Avalon Elder

from:  http://www.fjordstone.com/fjo/generator.html

Sapphire FlowingSpirit

from:  http://www.pythorium.com/pagan_name_generator

Ivy Whisper

from http://www.enchantedrealm.ca/pagan-name-generator.asp

WaterCloud BearCrow EarthBlue

from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/7746/Humor/NIRPNG.html

FireHawk Yggdrasil

from: http://www.newmoon.uk.com/wicca/name.html

Chartreuse Mintseason

http://buggsy97.tripod.com/wiccagen.html

Fun Times!

putting it all on credit?

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I was daydreaming on Thursday night, when I was supposed to be studying for my last midterm. I went through the DreamWeaving website, and felt a profound desire to attend this witchcamp. What could be more timely right now than attending a witchcamp whose theme is “Priestessing the Earth”? I am going to school for a similar yet secular theme. What a perfect opportunity to integrate my academia and my spirituality!

Of course, this is all wishful thinking on my part. I am a student, up to her slender neck in debt already. How can I even be thinking about such an expensive holiday? when I don’t even have a summer job lined up yet?

Because I have a great credit card! 🙂

But as my mother’s voice sounds in my head, you still have to pay it back. Or, you are spending money that you don’t have. And then there is the fact that I need to apply for a new passport, as mine expired three years ago.

But Younger Self really wants this. Talking Self does too. Does that mean it is my True Heart’s Desire? Or just my id, wanting, wanting, wanting?