Note of Anguish

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I’m tired. Tired of trying to fit in, to find my place. To find my tribe and family. Yes, I have a loving birth family. But they live far away and have their own lives. Everyone has their own lives, and I don’t fit. I love my friends, and I know they love me. But my daily life is filled with loneliness and despair. I can’t seem to shake it or to let go of it.

I went to school, and met some amazing people. The illusion of my tribe was created. We all had similar views and plans for life. We got along, we spent everyday together. I met people that I invested significant emotion in. It seemed like my life had finally turned that corner, and my future would be brighter. But then school ended.

And betrayal, loss, and upset ensued. Betrayal is a strong word, but that’s how I feel. I had created a life for myself and this other person, inside my head for nearly 2 years. I then find out that what I thought was a potential return of such feelings was nothing more than friendly politeness. Will take 2 years to let go of that? I can’t wait around to find out. I can’t even think straight around him and it’s been a year. I can’t shake it. Every time I see him, things get shook up. Every time I hear from her, I question whether it is a real friendship or just her keep track of me.

Where does this depth of emotion come from? Why can’t it just stop? Why can’t I just turn it off and be like a robot? That’s not  any better kind of life. I want it all to end. Everything to stop.

now that this purge has started…..

walk in the woods

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I went for a walk in the woods today. I decided to check out the park near my new house. It was lovely – a heron flew overhead (too quickly for me to capture on camera); ducks played in the creek; further up beavers swam and ate the foliage. I took pictures of lots of flowers: high-bush cranberry, dogwood, anemone, rose, bedstraw, chickweed, violet, and more.

I enjoyed it while I was out walking. On the way back though, I began to feel less recharged, and more reminded of my life. I saw people walking together, people running, people with dogs. All things I want: companionship, healthy system, a dog. I thought I should start my yoga practice again like I have intended. The road to hell….It seems I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t – I feel isolated and hermit like if I stay at home. I feel sad and lonely if I go out where there are people. I’ve got to find a way around this block.

I finished reading the Hallowed Hunt by Lois McMaster Bujold today. It was quite good, gripping in fact. At the end I felt it was a good Grail story. A wounded king, needing to be healed. And good people, god=touched, to help the healing.

More grail thought is necessary…..

Summer Solstice 2010

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Well, here goes. From this day forward, I hope to do some writing daily. It may not be online, or it may skip a few if I’m out in the wild without technology (yay for that!) But here’s to a habit=forming venture!

Today I spent a large potion of the day preparing to make soap, and a salve. I’ve made 2 batches of soap, which will now cure for a month. After this brief hiatus from the magical cauldron, I’m going to make a couple of salves for ritual use.

It has been a good day for me to get in touch with my witchy nature. I like stirring up the cauldron!